wineandchaos.com

It’s about this time every year that I start to go a little crazy. The whirring in my brain gets louder than normal and my patience with the dogs and children dwindles. Messes seem more pervasive and my waistline grows as if to taunt me with the ever approaching warm weather and the thought that I DEFINITELY won’t be able to wear my summer clothes from last year.

February in the Midwest is a month of desperation and despair. It’s a month where winter should be dwindling, but much like the dog days of August, it seems to gain a strange sense of glee in making it EXTRA of everything we’re sick of.

March is usually much the same. It’s cold, it’s dreary, and we still need winter coats. But. Somehow it goes quickly and despite the nasty temperatures, the lilacs develop buds. It’s like just the knowledge that spring will be arriving has brightened the life back into then outside world.

Not February though. Everyone is depressed, everyone is sick, everyone is bored, and you can’t stand to do your indoor activities you normally enjoy even one.more.time.

Work is harder than normal, and motivation is lacking.

So I’m giving myself some grace. The drama descending from every part of my life right now and from everyone else’s I have talked to as well? It will pass. Don’t worry about it. The little bit “more” of me that I’m desperate to get rid of? It will come off naturally as I am able to get outside to play with the kids, the dogs, to jog more often and to start gardening for the year. The crazy in my head? I’m going to step outside and deep breath, even though it’s freezing. I may only last a few minutes but it will clear my thoughts if only for a little while. The constant sickness in my household? Well… that shit isn’t going away just yet HAH but a girl can dream!

Only a couple more days left in this month of dread, and every day feels like a day closer to sunshine and happiness.

I haven’t written here since September. SEPTEMBER. It’s not because I haven’t wanted to, in fact I think of it almost daily. Something pops into my head and I get this desperate desire to write about it – but I don’t Because I have too much work to do and I can’t afford to “waste” a half an hour doing something that isn’t going to make me money, clean my house, or entertain my children.

This is the trap I fall into, the large flaw in my personality (ok ok ONE OF the flaws).

It’s been my busy season at work, from fall through spring I work harder than normal (which is funny if you think about it because how can you be working harder than “normal” when the “normal” is only summertime??? But it’s how I view it. It’s how I justify to myself and to my family that I have to put in extra time instead of hanging out with them. Instead of doing something on the spot for myself that I enjoy.

I’m not a fool, I know that self care is important. I schedule dates with friends, I schedule a monthly massage (shout out to the best massage therapist EVA!), and I regularly exercise. BUT if you’ve noticed a pattern, these things are all scheduled, They are pre determined and fit into my schedule. What I suck at – is putting aside work when I need a break. I can’t just read my favorite magazine with my coffee in the morning because if my kids aren’t harassing me, I need to spend that time working.

Then what happens?? After a while, the quality of my work goes down. I get short tempered and snap at my kids too easily. I do this, instead of allowing myself a half an hour here or there to do something that rejuvenates me. I tend to be better at this in the summertime when I can go in the backyard and play outside with the dogs and kids, and dig in the dirt a little (gardening is the bomb yo!) BUT I CAN COUNT THOSE THINGS UNDER THE PRODUCTIVE CATEGORY. In the winter? I can’t. Writing is purely for ME. Reading is purely for ME. It doesn’t benefit anyone else.

But you know what, it does actually. After I finish writing this blog, I’ll have more energy. My mind will be clear. I’m be a calmer mom and suddenly my work will be creative again.

So why is it that we can’t allow ourselves moments that speak to and enrich who we are? I think it’s a flaw that many people have, but mostly parents. Mostly mothers. Dads work hard and non parents work hard – but men seem to be able to compartmentalize more effectively – and non parents don’t have the same sense of urgency at home to accomplish a set of things in the 15 minutes that Paw Patrol is on and in between sibling fights.

But moms. We can’t shut off our brains with that ever mounting to do list.

So I think we need to adapt. If we can’t shut it off, what can we do?

We need to prioritize time to do something small that makes us happy or gives us back the sense of calm that we have lost amongst the day, week, month, or years.

Yes, there are a million things I need to do, but right now, reading a chapter in this book/doing something creative/going for a run/etc will make me a person better capable of doing all those things.

As this blog comes to a close, I already feel a sense of calm spreading throughout my body which was 20 minutes ago tense. I almost didn’t even open this browser to do this. I’ve been fighting with myself all week about not having the time.

But you know what, I do. I should always have the time to do something just for me, and today, this is that thing.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, I hope you all give yourselves the love you deserve.

Do you ever feel so beat down that your soul feels numb?

Like everything you’re doing is failing and the little things that normally aren’t a big deal just start to needle you one by one until you’re nothing left but a broken down pincushion.

Let me back this up by saying that the positive, upbeat, get up when you’re knocked down girl you know and love is still in here. Likely I’ll be back to her after a few minutes of quiet and peace – but I have my days too. What bothers most people doesn’t bother me. I have an extremely high tolerance for dirt, messes, shenanigans, and kid trouble.

What turns me into a shell of myself? Crying, whining, and fighting. I can only handle so much of it per day until I stop caring about life. That’s me already this morning pre 7 am. For the last few weeks the kids have been getting up earlier than normal (5ish am, sometimes before) – and they’re the worst versions of themselves because they’re sleep deprived. Before 7 am I’ve already dealt with so much screaming, crying, and fighting that I’m done, I’m mentally checked out… and school hasn’t even started yet for the day.

This morning culminated in Max scratching me because his nails are way too long, throwing a tantrum when I told him I was clipping them NOW, and then while I was doing that, Owen picked up his intricately built lego truck, threw it on the floor and it of course broke into hundreds of pieces. Max reacted as any kid would if his brother did something like that but unfortunately for everyone, his face was right up against mine because I was cutting his nails. He screamed “you’re bad!” RIGHT in my face. He screamed it so in my face that half of my face was wet with spit. He spit in my eye. IN MY EYE.

That sent me over the edge.

I have an entire house to clean (I have company coming over in a couple hours), I have a massive amount of work to do for my job, the laundry pile is reminiscent of Everest, the bills need to be paid yesterday, and my dogs are whining at me for attention.

But I need some time for myself first. The little one isn’t in school, he’s still here. But suddenly when his brother is gone, he becomes easier to manage. It’s something about the two of them together that sets the scene for a gladiator arena and all it entails.

So I am sitting at my laptop, and feeling myself mellowing with every letter as it appears on the screen, pausing to breath deeply, take sips of coffee, and listening to Owen playing quietly in the background with his brother’s toys.

When your world crashes, take a minute for yourself. Everyone will be better off for it. You will be a better parent, a better employee, a better partner, and a better version of yourself.

For those of you who don’t know how you’re going to get through the day? I’m right there with you sister, you’re not alone, you’re never alone <3

Picture of one of yesterday’s shenanigans because it makes me smile 🙂

 

 

It all started when I ate mummy dogs that I made for the kids. I don’t like hot dogs, never have. To me they taste like that feeling you get when you eat too much crap… but they taste like that from first bite.

But I’m on a diet and didn’t have anything prepped (cardinal rule, food prep when you’re trying to eat healthy!) and so my hangry self grabbed a mummy dog.

I immediately felt disgusting and ate a handful of candy because I hate myself.

Then something clicked in the universe and all hell broke loose.

Max came into the kitchen and wanted to make the pumpkin cookies I had promised we would make after school today – ok fine, cool let’s do that!

So I’m readying the kitchen and of course he’s pushing around his stepstool following me so closely I bang into it at least 3 times #smallkitchenproblems. Then we’re making the batter and my beater got stuck on my kitchen aid. Absolutely cannot get it off. Max decides since I can’t hand it to him to lick that he will essentially make out with it while his head is upside down while it is still attached to the machine. Super.

So he is having trouble getting as much batter as he’d like off of it at this point so as I’m putting the first batch of cookies in the oven he grabs the scoop out of the batter to eat and takes a big bite and of course I’m yelling at him to stop it so my kid with a head cold drops it BACK into the bowl and dumps over a bin of sugar onto my kitchen floor in the process.

Screaming obscenities now. Owen wants to know what all the hullabaloo is about so he saunters into the kitchen, and climbs up on the stool and gets into EVERYTHING while I’m getting the vacuum to start dealing with the sugar situation.

When I saw everything, I mean he grabbed a bunch of very ripe bananas and smushed them, wiped them on the counter, then threw the remnants on the floor. Then he dumped pumpkin pie spices on them.

For those of you asking … WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THIS IS HAPPENING??

I can tell you, GETTING THE VACUUM. They work *That* fast.

I shooed them outside so I could clean up/cry in peace and came out to see what was happening and so that I could take a breath and write this blog.

Max turned on the hose into a non grassy area and created a giant mud pit which they’re currently splashing in and fighting over who gets to hold the hose. Apparently he was trying to make the world’s largest water balloon with a wubble ball. Also it was a “water fountain” because he likes catching diseases.

I’m letting it happen so I can write this.

I’ll leave you with a picture of these delightful cookies to look at as I ask you to ponder where the best place to get a vasectomy is.

 

You guys, I get ONE magazine in the mail a month. Real Simple. I have always loved it because almost everything in it speaks to me in some way and I love putting my feet up and reading it with no interruptions and a glass of coffee or wine depending on the time of day.

I still have not gotten through JUNE’S. July & August are still sitting on my patio table in front of me as I write this.

Which leads me to ask myself, why do I have such a hard time doing “nothing” or relaxing?

At least that’s what I think. Then I delve a little deeper into when I feel most content, or relaxed – and the answer isn’t sitting and reading or watching tv – it’s when I’m writing, when I’m leisurely cleaning and then sit down for 5 minutes and take in the organization and prettiness around me. I’m writing this now on my back patio, listening to the birds, the hum of the crickets, watching the mist float through the air on this foggy morning – and looking over at my lovely coffee cup and thinking about what the first sip will feel like.

In short – this IS my relaxation.

When I can do something that clears my mind and allows me to take in what surrounds me – I feel calm, centered, and grateful.

Yet I struggle with this because most people do not relax this way. My husband constantly tries to get me to sit down and he worries that I work too hard. But I am beginning to realize that calm or relaxed work IS the thing that rejuvenates and energizes me. Nothing with a deadline or that HAS to be done now… but things I can take my time with and that the outcome of has no real consequences to anyone. These are the activities that I truly look forward to.

A more common example of this is my weight and body image. Most of the time when I picture myself in my head, I’m probably about a size 8 and look curvy but good! I eat clean (most of the time), I exercise most days of the week, and I practice healthy living as much as possible. Yet when I glance myself in the mirror and see my actual size 12 ass, that “C section” pouch that I will NEVER get rid of without cosmetic surgical intervention, and how just generally “round” I look – I immediately feel unsettled. I feel like people will see me and discredit me, that they’ll assume I’m unintelligent, undisciplined, and lazy. I project these thoughts onto myself because they are things that I value in myself and others. If I can’t keep myself to a “normal” weight, I must not be any of these things that I value so deeply.

Now do I think this when I look at others? Of course not!! I see their beauty, their happiness, their personality, and the vibe that trails them as they move around the room.

So why do I assume others will think any less of me when I am otherwise confident, positive, and happy to be alive?

I am challenging myself to throw away the thoughts that you are not doing “life” the right way. That if you feel healthy then that means you must also be skinny or you are automatically a failure. That because you can’t sit down and do nothing that there is something wrong with you. If the way you unplug and recharge is by binge watching tv that there is something wrong with that either!

We are all SO different and comparison robs us of being content with who we are, with accepting and loving ourselves for the things that make us unique rather than in spite of.

If I feel like the best version of myself after writing this blog instead of reading a magazine, I am ok with that. If what I see in the mirror doesn’t match the image of myself in my head, that I’m going to shut down the critic and be happy with how I look because how I FEEL is so much more important.

I challenge you to do the same. It’s time to accept, love, and celebrate who you are. Happiness is a state of mind, and it’s worth fighting for.

It’s been a while friends.

Over the last few months, I came on here many times to write. I TRIED to come on here and kept getting a weird error message. I asked my dear husband who is much techier than I to look at it and see if he could figure out what was wrong… but I had to ask 973,000 times before he finally did and he couldn’t either. I had to call – turns out it was only something they could fix that I had NOTHING to do with  (hey, I’m less dumb than I thought!) But the moral of the story is I have my blog back! Yay! I digress.

The reason I am here today… ok two reasons I am here today… are the small but highly rabid animals that live with me. And I’m not talking about the dogs.

Somehow, a month’s worth of shenanigans, messes, and tomfoolery have found themselves wrapped up in 2 days.

My husband travels for work. He is gone most weeks leaving me to parent the wildebeasts alone. It goes decently enough most of the time… I mean it’s still a shit show but I manage. I have a high tolerance for the things that amuse boys. I was definitely meant to be a boy mom. I never thought I was, but I fully embrace it now.  As I type this, Owen is running around the house with tongs, grabbing and throwing everything he can fit in them. Also yelling “ROAR” because he’s a dinosaur.

Monday morning came early. The boys are up at 5 because we had to put them to bed REALLY early the night before because of how exceptionally charming they were being.

Since we were up at the crack of dawn I decided to try something different than my usual “here’s an ipad, leave me alone” mantra that I strictly enforce prior to 7am. I thought… hey… it’s a new week, let’s set the tone and start it off on a high note! So I made pancakes & sausage (their favorite) and was feeling pretty decent about myself despite the fact that I was functioning on only a couple hours of sleep.

9 am hit – Owen’s speech therapist came, Max was in summer school, and I was dressed. I had a few things to do before a meeting started (thank God for working from home!) so after I got them done, I started to make a cup of coffee. Do any of you guys use the pour over method? I’m not a keurig kind of gal (mostly because I like to control the strength & quality of my beans). I do a pot of coffee some mornings but every now & then I decide to drink a normal amount and not enough to caffeinate an elephant, and that day was today so pour over it was! In my overly tired and clumsy state, I bumped the top of the filter with the kettle. It was as messy as it sounds. Also I may have sworn… loudly. Whoops!

After the speech therapist & her boss (yes she was there evaluating) were all IS EVERYTHING OK????? and I messaged the people in my meeting that I would be late, I thought ok… one bad thing…. it’s all good!

The middle of the day went ok – made it through my meeting without too many mishaps or 2 year old tears and then Max got home.

Then the fighting began. Apparently 2 little boys being up since 5am makes for some very serious issues among them and they fought about.every.little.thing. that you could possibly imagine. Their asses had dinner and were bathed early because I thought going to bed at 6pm was preferable to me being on an after school special about what happens when mommy isn’t properly medicated.  When I was getting Max dressed, Owen crawled out of the tub and went to play in the basement before I even knew his was missing (he is FAST & VERY quiet). I figured out where he was and thought ok – he’s good down there until I get Max all set. Then I grabbed his jammies & went down.

There.was.poop.everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I’m not kidding. He clearly popped a squat, stepped in it, then walked/shuffled/crouched??? all over his toyroom. So you guys know what I spent my evening doing. (PS you’re welcome for not taking a picture of this… I thought about it!)

I’m up very late as I always am when my husband is traveling – by the time the kids are in bed, the dishes are done, I have answered emails and responded to messages, prepped for the next day… it’s super fucking late and I still haven’t relaxed at all which usually means I wind up in bed by 1am if I’m having a good night.

Owen was in my room at 2. Then 3. Then Max at 4… and so on. Apparently Max had a dream that there were bed bugs in his bed and couldn’t sleep so he chose to poke me while I tried to sleep. When I finally had to get up I realized there was a remarkably large pee spot in the middle of my bed. My one year old memory foam bed to be exact. Yes it it bled through the pad, and the other pad, and into the memory foam.

I was pretty tired come Tuesday morning. After I got Max off to school I spent the morning deep cleaning his room and washing his bedding so that if there was sand or anything in it that would cause him to dream about bed bugs that it wouldn’t be an issue (NO WE DON’T HAVE BEDBUGS!) I mean in addition, to trying to get pee out of MY bed.

The day proved to be a comedy of errors all day long with Max filming a live video of himself in my FB Keep Collective group amongst other things. The kids dressed up in their halloween costumes, Owen dumped a package of 1000 Q tips on the floor around the house, and we went to a boy scout event where Max got to race a hilariously not up to code and HIGHLY entertaining (and I mean this, ESPN could have covered this event and their views would have been off the charts with 2 cars breaking on their first run) cubmobile while Owen chased after the cars in the middle of the road roaring, because, duh, he’s a dinosaur.

When I finally got him and got Owen down, I was exhausted.  when I went to put Max to bed I thought FINALLY my torture was over for the night, and I promptly I stepped in a huge bunch of strawberries in the carpet in his room that each had one bite taken out of them. Not a huge stretch to figure out who was responsible for that one.

The next morning I went to make Max’s lunch for school (the kid can get FREE HOT LUNCH AND WON’T EAT IT SO I HAVE TO MAKE HIM PB&J!) and where was my loaf of bread??? Oh, there’s the wrapper in the dog’s bed. Super. So Max had apparently made himself toast in the middle of the night (because he doesn’t sleep like ever), and left it on the edge of the counter, and then one of the dogs snagged it for a treat. So now I have to figure out a bread substitute… PB &J on a hot dog bun? BOOM! #winning

You guys, at this point, it’s only Wednesday morning. I could keep going but you get the picture. I pissed someone off somewhere in the universe, I know it. There’s no other explanation. Whoever you are, I’m sorry. I have done my penance, and my husband is still traveling and my kids are still assholes… so you can lay off anytime now, k thanks.

 

Do you ever want to do something… you hear about it or a thought pops into your head and you think “YEAH! That sounds AWESOME!” “I can TOTALLY do that!”

and then there are various things that happen depending on your personality and commitment to things:

1.)  FUCK YES I am going to buy ALL THE THINGS necessary to make this and it’s going to be super easy and amazing. But you lack the discipline to actually sit down and DO THE THING so the stuff sits forever as you move onto your next super awesome totally gonna happen but this time definitely  idea. Cough cough this is you mom.

2.) You get excited about the idea, but then you think about the fine print before jumping in… am I REALLY prepared to take this on? What if XYZ happens? You know what, I’m ok with that, I think I am willing to do the work! Then you actually see it through. This person is rare. If this is you, congratulations my friend!

3.) You immediately panic after getting excited. OMG WHAT IF I FAIL and I AM TOTALLY GOING TO FAIL and WHY DO I EVER HAVE IDEAS I’M TERRIBLE. FORGET IT TIME TO WATCH NETFLIX. My friend, you need a drink and a xanax.  Also your bitch ass is way more awesome that you think it is so STOP DOUBTING YOURSELF 😉

4.) Yep. DOING IT. Goes balls in. Then realizes… this shit is HARD. BYE FELICIA. This is the person who makes lots of announcements on social media….  and ya’ll are crazy if you think I’m calling anyone out on this one!

5.) That WOULD be awesome but you know what, I don’t think I’m up for it. For whatever reason the amount of work it would entail just seems arduous and I don’t think it’s for me. I’m going to keep looking for what I REALLY want to do!  GO GIRL! ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU WANT!

 

You know… complete honesty here – I think we are ALL THESE PEOPLE at some point in our lives. Depending on our age, maturity level, what we have experienced, and just whether we have found our “thing.” I know I certainly have been.

I’ll never forget in high school when I was in theatre – we rehearsed every day after school, from 3-5 and 6-8 with that hour dinner break in there… and I heard so many times – WOW that is a LOT of time! What a lot of work.

and I NEVER felt that way. I adored rehearsal – every time I stepped into that theatre it was magic. In my bones, I felt alive, and that I was in the exact place that I was meant to be. I didn’t get along with many of the people I worked with but I didn’t care one bit. I was there for the theatre and the rest melted away.

 

That love, that passion is what life is about. If the work associated with something is a non issue – you are living the dream. FIND that thing. Whatever it takes, find it.

This is how I measure business ventures and make decisions in my adult life. If the work associated with something doesn’t make me cringe, you better damn well know I am going to see it through.  And if it does? I don’t do it. It doesn’t matter what it is or how lucrative it could be. I am here to enjoy my minutes and my hours,. I am here to be happy. And so are you. Listen to your gut. You owe it to yourself, your spouse, your kids, and your parents.

You want to know how this thought process started????? I was reading a book and though “Man, I write better than this. I should write a novel!  I love writing descriptors and opening paragraphs! But plot development. Research. FTHATSHIT AMICRAZY? HAVEILOSTMYMIND?” Nah I’m good, I’ll just stick to my blog.”

Back to my wine.

 

It’s gloomy outside, again. As I sit here at my kitchen table trying to steal a moment to catch my thoughts, I see the little white flecks of snow fighting to be relevant in April. They know their time is up, but still they’re clinging to winter because it’s all that exists to them. It’s easy to blame snow and this perpetual winter for whatever dismal feelings we’re entangled with but you are not doomed to depression. None of us are.

When I was first married, I was depressed. So was my husband. We both hated our jobs, desperately wanted to buy a house, to start a family, and if we couldn’t do those things – at least to travel and do something interesting!! We could do none of those things. The economy was in the tank, our student loans were suffocating, and our wages weren’t enough. Then we lost our jobs (on the SAME DAY! I mean honestly, this is like being struck by lightning). Things got worse.

I saw people on facebook buying houses, cars, announcing pregnancies, and I was jealous. I. was. so. jealous.

It turned me into the worst version of myself. So I got off facebook. I was gone for a couple of years because even in that pit that I was in, I knew that seeing everyone else’s “success” (that is in quotation marks because let’s be real here – NO ONE has everything as perfect as it looks online!) was making me worse.

I was a crap friend during this period of time, I know that now. I sort of knew it then but I was too deep into my own sense of self pity to really identify or do anything about it.

Fast forward a couple years and things got even worse. There were even more layoffs and unfortunate luck which at it’s lowest point landed us pregnant with our first child moving into my parents small and cluttered home.

I hit my own personal bottom shortly thereafter with an extremely difficult baby who didn’t sleep, cried constantly, and no privacy to just deal with it all. I’m sure I had postpartum depression and anxiety looking back, but again, I was too deep in it at the time to be introspective.

I’ll never forget when we were having a moving sale out of our little 700 square foot rental house and not one but THREE well meaning women asked if we were moving to upgrade the size of our home to fit our new family (I was obviously pregnant at the time), and it took every ounce of strength I had to answer that no, my husband has lost his job again and we were moving our lives into one bedroom in my parents house without crying. Someone else will get to enjoy the daffodils and tulips I painstakingly planted in the fall when they bloom come spring. All the thought and excitement that went into making a nursery in this small but cozy home was gone in an instant.

You might be wondering at this point (HOLY HELL DOES SHE RAMBLE FOREVER ABOUT CRAP THAT I DON’T CARE ABOUT ?!?!?) what in the heck the point of me telling you all this is.

My point is that things didn’t get better until I decided it was time for them to. I went to see a therapist sometime around my son’s first birthday because I finally got to a place where I knew I needed help. She told me something that changed my outlook on everything and I will never forget it. I had lamented to her that we wanted to have 2 children close together and that I felt so trapped because we couldn’t even entertain the idea of getting pregnant with our second while subsisting in one bedroom at my parents house. She said Why not? Why can’t you get pregnant if that is 100% what you want? What’s the worst that will happen? You’re already living your own worst case scenario.

And all I could think was HOLY SHIT SHE’S RIGHT!

All this time I was angry and full of self pity because I felt that I had no choices of my own to make. I felt that I was just being kicked around by the world and there was nothing I could do about it.

This one thing made me realize that we ALWAYS have choices. ALWAYS. I talked to my husband and we decided to wait on getting pregnant again until we were in a better living situation. But we made that decision ourselves. And it felt amazing.

This is where my story changes. I stopped focusing on what we “couldn’t” have and started directing my energy toward prepping for WHAT and WHEN we WOULD have it. I searched areas for the most affordable tax rates and how much house we could afford when our job situation was stable again. I talked to bankers and realtors to assess where we were and how much we would need to save and what debts were most important to pay off.

I poured my mental energy into expanding my eBay business so that I could save money faster and have a reliable income to contribute to my family even though I stayed home with my son.

I called Early Intervention to asses my son because my gut told me that little ones his age weren’t supposed to be as hard and demanding as he was (spoiler alert – he DESPERATELY needed that therapy and it was probably one of the best decisions I ever made!)

I stopped feeling like a victim and started actively working to change the things in my life that were making me unhappy.

And now? I do it every day. That snow may be EXTREMELY out of place with lilacs starting to bloom but the cold just makes my hot coffee taste better and allows me to wear a cozy sweater. When I can walk outside in short sleeves I’ll appreciate it that much more. Plus, if this is one day where the mud is frozen and it’s not traipsed all over my house, I’ll take it!

The birds know spring is coming, they sing and call to one another despite the chill in the air and they will not let their impending plans be deterred by something as unpredictable as nature.

 

 

Busy is my middle name. It takes A LOT for me to not work first thing in the morning – in fact the only times I don’t are if I either mandated it as an “off” morning for myself or I am not at home and therefore have been forcibly removed from my to do lists. I’ve never been good at waking up and just being present for my kids – cooking, cuddling, playing, etc.

Today I did. This morning rather than toss Max his clothes and yell at him to get dressed while I try to do some dishes before Owen comes out of his room like the kool aid man, I sat. I sat next to him and helped him get dressed, I let him obnoxiously play with my face and hair and poke at me as only kids do.

When Owen woke up I cooked him eggs and sausage and while he was eating those, put scones in the oven.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy these moments – I greatly do. I just have a very strong drive to constantly accomplish and It takes a lot of willpower for me to shut that part of my brain down and just “be” with the boys. I think it’s why I like day trips and getting outside so much – it forces that part of me down automatically and I can recharge without guilt.

Does anyone else look around at the toys all over the floor at the end of the night and just think something along the lines of “fuckfuckfuckityfuck?”

I clean them up every night as I grumble to myself because there are still dishes in the sink, laundry that needs folded, people that need replied to, etc etc.

You know how you can be on facebook or the internet and just spiral down a rabbit hole and somehow wind up in the comment section for something controversial? Well sometime in the last year I wound up in that place and read something that seared into my brain and that I think of almost daily.

It was an article about losing a child, so I expected there to be heartbreaking experiences written about – but none so eloquently stated as the father who dumps his son’s legos on the floor in his living room, and then leaves them there to step on to feel as if his boy was still there.

That hit me in a way I was not prepared for.

Daily, I try to get Max to pick up his legos. Every now and then he does right away, but usually he grumbles, says something dramatic like “this is going to take FOREVER” or “I can’t, I’m too sick (insert fake cough here).” and then I have to remind him that I will absolutely vacuum them up in a hot second if he doesn’t pick them up right now.

When we love someone, we often take their presence for granted. It’s not a fault – it’s normal! They are with us every day and we so easily focus on the messes they make when they make a sandwich, the toys strewn about the house, the water on the floor in the bathroom.

As I look at the pile of legos on the floor, I am reminded that if something were to happen to this beautiful, intelligent, and kind hearted boy, that I would be that dad. I would have tears rolling down my face as I stepped on one more lego, to somehow put the pain of loss into something tangible, and hope that my brain was tricked even for a millisecond and that no loss had ever existed.

I am a huge believer in perspective. I think that it is the key to happiness in many ways. We so easily lose sight of all that we have as we get bogged down in daily stress. I allow my boys to make gigantic messes as they play, and do things other mothers would probably wag their finger at me for because I can see the pure joy on their faces as they roll around in mud in the backyard or something similar. I need to know that if something were to happen, that they lived their best lives, had the most pure and joyous childhood that I had the ability to provide.

I checked my perspective this morning while thinking about the mothers, the fathers, the siblings of those who lost a sweet child in the latest school shooting yesterday. This blog is not about gun control because frankly, I don’t know what I can do in the face of people who are so afraid that the government will strip them of their arms that they see children dying as an unfortunate side effect to “freedom”. It’s not a black and white issue and requires very serious reform – BUT – it’s not my point here today.

My point here is to remind myself and others how much we have. It’s so easy to forget, and after losing a loved one to suicide when I was a young teenager, I promised myself that I would never take anyone or anything for granted again. Read firsthand accounts of refugees, seriously look at the faces of those who have lost a child, read words dripping with regret from someone who thought “it” (whatever that may be) would never happen to them. Feel what they feel, embrace it, let it flow through you, and remember. We owe it to them, to our children, and to ourselves.

 

Do you ever feel like you’re spinning out of control?

You don’t know how to find yourself out of the vortex of self doubt, shame, and defeat you currently feel and how to move forward – is there even a forward for me? Is it just going to be more of the same but with failure of something else?

Facebook is tricky. It makes us feel like everyone has it together except for us. I mean, not EVERYONE… there are people eating Tide pods… but I digress.

We see Dana being successful with her new promotion, Becky’s kids have coordinating outfits on in their new family photos where everyone is looking at the camera and smiling and OMG HOW CAN ANYONE AFFORD THOSE ?!? Lisa just bought a beautiful new house and I AM LIVING IN A HOVEL and Amanda bakes cookies with her kids every Thursday and I never even opened the tube I bought to make in NOVEMBER! Brooke is going on ANOTHER vacation?? I haven’t been on a vacation in 6 years!

Or some version of this. It looks like everyone has everything, and they’re fulfilled and stepford level happy.

I mean, I know I would like to eat perfectly clean, run 6 miles every day, always be on top of my 3 jobs, take the kids to a resort every 6 months, and while we’re at it spend meaningful time playing with them every day. Always have my house in tip top shape, be perfectly in tune with my husband, cook healthy and balanced meals every night that the kids will eat, not be buried in thousands and thousands of dollars in debt plus savings in the bank, etc etc.

NO ONE HAS ALL OF THESE THINGS. Most of us have one or two of them, NO ONE HAS THEM ALL.

I mean, it looks like they do, but I know NO ONE who can check off every single one of those boxes. If that’s you, girlfriend you must not sleep. Also TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!

My point here is that even those of us who look like we have it together, don’t.

I say this because I recently had someone that I greatly admire (and I totally think SHE has it all figured out!) tell me that she admires me and thinks that I have it all together.

That couldn’t be further from the truth.

I woke up this morning, automatically depressed because I got 5 hours of sleep. For some people, 5 hours cuts it. My husband is one of them – he can function well on VERY little sleep. Me? If I get less than 8 hours I start my day feeling depressed and beaten before I’m even out of bed. The problem – I NEVER get 8 hours of sleep because I have a mental condition which makes me work until the house is clean and I’m not allowed to sit down until it is which means I fall into bed at 1am without having sat down and relaxed most nights.

I checked my phone first thing – which I clearly shouldn’t do, if I was a better and stronger person, I would get up, get Max off to school, cook breakfast full of vegetables and quinoa for myself and Owen before I even LOOK at my messages and notifications. But I checked my phone – aannddd there is an overdraft alert, Thanks BMO Harris! Love you! Also Amazon prime you can go straight to the fiery pits of hell.

I dragged Max off the couch and away from the ipad (which he finds no matter where I hide it overnight) to do the homework I forgot about yesterday. He complains, we get it finished, off to school.

I sigh and think about what I want to do next. OH there’s Owen awake and crying! Here’s a waffle kid because I don’t love you enough to make you a nutritious breakfast and while we’re at it watch a tv show that will rot your brain so that I can sit and make my to do list for the day.

Shit. There is A LOT on my to do list. Why do I run 3 businesses again? Oh yeah the crippling debt, there it is.

Here kid,  have some blueberries that I forgot to wash after I brought them home from the store so now you’re going to be radioactive in addition to malnourished.

NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS BEFORE 8AM. I repeat NOTHING good EVER happens before 8AM!

At this point as I feel less tired I am feeling a little less depressed and also I actually drank a nutritious shake for breakfast so WINNING and that totally negates the wine I drank while I ate frozen pizza last night. Yep. That’s how that works. Science.

But now I’m writing and soon will be climbing the Everest that is my to do list, complete with the tasks that are frozen from the ascent that I realistically will never do, but will haunt me anyway the entire way up as I stare at them and wonder why I even bother.

Remember when I said that NO ONE has it all figured out? It’s true.

Go easier on yourself. Think you suck at parenting? You likely don’t.

Think you don’t play with your kids enough because you’re stuck at work all day and then have mountains of housework to do when you get home? I would bet any amount of money those kids have a blast all day long with whoever is watching them and they love and cherish the one on one time they do get with you.  It’s meaningful time and not filled with moments you’re just trying to “fill” so the day goes faster.

A work at home parent that feels like you are constantly busy but still somehow never accomplish anything? I have NO idea what that must be like! cough cough. Not talking about myself…

No one person has it all. Not one of us. And it’s ok. It’s what makes us beautiful – our weaknesses as well as our strengths. Our triumphs and our failures. Next time you start thinking about the million things you are doing wrong, think about one thing you are doing right. Likely you will have a lot to choose from. I may be a mentally absent parent who works too hard and still has little to show for it… or do I? I have two beautiful healthy boys who laugh A LOT. I have a cozy home that keeps us safe and warm. I have dogs that make me feel loved and remind me of how easy it is to be happy. A world class awesome husband, and jobs that put food on the table. Sure I’d like to do some of them more and one of them not at all – but they’re there. When so many can’t find one at all, I have 3 that I can run from home. How awesome is that?

I see you fellow hot mess, and I bet you have more going right in your life than you think.

Gotta go, Owen is spazzing out because of the cruel limit I placed on gummy fiber vitamins. I’m a monster.