It’s been a while friends.
Over the last few months, I came on here many times to write. I TRIED to come on here and kept getting a weird error message. I asked my dear husband who is much techier than I to look at it and see if he could figure out what was wrong… but I had to ask 973,000 times before he finally did and he couldn’t either. I had to call – turns out it was only something they could fix that I had NOTHING to do with (hey, I’m less dumb than I thought!) But the moral of the story is I have my blog back! Yay! I digress.
The reason I am here today… ok two reasons I am here today… are the small but highly rabid animals that live with me. And I’m not talking about the dogs.
Somehow, a month’s worth of shenanigans, messes, and tomfoolery have found themselves wrapped up in 2 days.
My husband travels for work. He is gone most weeks leaving me to parent the wildebeasts alone. It goes decently enough most of the time… I mean it’s still a shit show but I manage. I have a high tolerance for the things that amuse boys. I was definitely meant to be a boy mom. I never thought I was, but I fully embrace it now. As I type this, Owen is running around the house with tongs, grabbing and throwing everything he can fit in them. Also yelling “ROAR” because he’s a dinosaur.
Monday morning came early. The boys are up at 5 because we had to put them to bed REALLY early the night before because of how exceptionally charming they were being.
Since we were up at the crack of dawn I decided to try something different than my usual “here’s an ipad, leave me alone” mantra that I strictly enforce prior to 7am. I thought… hey… it’s a new week, let’s set the tone and start it off on a high note! So I made pancakes & sausage (their favorite) and was feeling pretty decent about myself despite the fact that I was functioning on only a couple hours of sleep.
9 am hit – Owen’s speech therapist came, Max was in summer school, and I was dressed. I had a few things to do before a meeting started (thank God for working from home!) so after I got them done, I started to make a cup of coffee. Do any of you guys use the pour over method? I’m not a keurig kind of gal (mostly because I like to control the strength & quality of my beans). I do a pot of coffee some mornings but every now & then I decide to drink a normal amount and not enough to caffeinate an elephant, and that day was today so pour over it was! In my overly tired and clumsy state, I bumped the top of the filter with the kettle. It was as messy as it sounds. Also I may have sworn… loudly. Whoops!
After the speech therapist & her boss (yes she was there evaluating) were all IS EVERYTHING OK????? and I messaged the people in my meeting that I would be late, I thought ok… one bad thing…. it’s all good!
The middle of the day went ok – made it through my meeting without too many mishaps or 2 year old tears and then Max got home.
Then the fighting began. Apparently 2 little boys being up since 5am makes for some very serious issues among them and they fought about.every.little.thing. that you could possibly imagine. Their asses had dinner and were bathed early because I thought going to bed at 6pm was preferable to me being on an after school special about what happens when mommy isn’t properly medicated. When I was getting Max dressed, Owen crawled out of the tub and went to play in the basement before I even knew his was missing (he is FAST & VERY quiet). I figured out where he was and thought ok – he’s good down there until I get Max all set. Then I grabbed his jammies & went down.
There.was.poop.everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I’m not kidding. He clearly popped a squat, stepped in it, then walked/shuffled/crouched??? all over his toyroom. So you guys know what I spent my evening doing. (PS you’re welcome for not taking a picture of this… I thought about it!)
I’m up very late as I always am when my husband is traveling – by the time the kids are in bed, the dishes are done, I have answered emails and responded to messages, prepped for the next day… it’s super fucking late and I still haven’t relaxed at all which usually means I wind up in bed by 1am if I’m having a good night.
Owen was in my room at 2. Then 3. Then Max at 4… and so on. Apparently Max had a dream that there were bed bugs in his bed and couldn’t sleep so he chose to poke me while I tried to sleep. When I finally had to get up I realized there was a remarkably large pee spot in the middle of my bed. My one year old memory foam bed to be exact. Yes it it bled through the pad, and the other pad, and into the memory foam.
I was pretty tired come Tuesday morning. After I got Max off to school I spent the morning deep cleaning his room and washing his bedding so that if there was sand or anything in it that would cause him to dream about bed bugs that it wouldn’t be an issue (NO WE DON’T HAVE BEDBUGS!) I mean in addition, to trying to get pee out of MY bed.
The day proved to be a comedy of errors all day long with Max filming a live video of himself in my FB Keep Collective group amongst other things. The kids dressed up in their halloween costumes, Owen dumped a package of 1000 Q tips on the floor around the house, and we went to a boy scout event where Max got to race a hilariously not up to code and HIGHLY entertaining (and I mean this, ESPN could have covered this event and their views would have been off the charts with 2 cars breaking on their first run) cubmobile while Owen chased after the cars in the middle of the road roaring, because, duh, he’s a dinosaur.
When I finally got him and got Owen down, I was exhausted. when I went to put Max to bed I thought FINALLY my torture was over for the night, and I promptly I stepped in a huge bunch of strawberries in the carpet in his room that each had one bite taken out of them. Not a huge stretch to figure out who was responsible for that one.
The next morning I went to make Max’s lunch for school (the kid can get FREE HOT LUNCH AND WON’T EAT IT SO I HAVE TO MAKE HIM PB&J!) and where was my loaf of bread??? Oh, there’s the wrapper in the dog’s bed. Super. So Max had apparently made himself toast in the middle of the night (because he doesn’t sleep like ever), and left it on the edge of the counter, and then one of the dogs snagged it for a treat. So now I have to figure out a bread substitute… PB &J on a hot dog bun? BOOM! #winning
You guys, at this point, it’s only Wednesday morning. I could keep going but you get the picture. I pissed someone off somewhere in the universe, I know it. There’s no other explanation. Whoever you are, I’m sorry. I have done my penance, and my husband is still traveling and my kids are still assholes… so you can lay off anytime now, k thanks.
