Month: June 2017

So I posted on FB a couple days ago about Mad Max and how he loves “Where is my mind” by The Pixies.

I cannot get over his response. It is making me appreciate his brain in a way that I can’t accurately describe – and isn’t that the point of music? Really of art of any kind? To give credence to a feeling when words escape you?

What does it say about a 4 (almost 5) year old that his favorite songs are “First” and “WIMM”?

To me it means that he must be incredibly incredibly complex. His answer (for those of you who missed it) when I asked him why he liked this song so much was

“Because it looks like a construction site – but it’s a song.”

Does he identify with construction sites past the point of normalcy for little boys?? And by normalcy I mean your basic “ooohhh machines!”. Does the chaos, noise, and his love for metal and engines reflect his mind?.

I imagine that the ADHD represents the chaos – it must he very hard for him to pin down any one thought or emotion at any given time so chaotic chords (and machinery) must sound familiar to him in an innate way. An internal noise he hasn’t identified but is always just intrinsically there.

What about the Asperger’s and the sensory processing disorder? He is torn (I personally feel) between these and the ADHD because while the ADHD can cause him kind to be all over the place, the Asp can make him feel out of place and make him want to focus on the things that ground him. That is UNDOUBTEDLY machinery. He was born with the mind of an engineer and it is truly amazing to watch him create, and tinker with engines. The chaos internally is that he DESPERATELY wants to focus on the things that he loves, but he has a very hard time doing so – and this triggers high emotion and poor behavior that can be confusing when you’re not in tune to what’s going on for him,

Maybe that’s why he likes construction sites and this song. I can see the similarity.

But that he, a 4 year old, could somehow make that connection, and vocalize it is beyond me.

Thank you, special boy for being in my life and helping me to understand how complex and intelligent children can be. They are so much more than we often give them credit for <3

Or maybe he just likes machines 😉 

We all have moments. Moments where we lose it and think that things can’t get any worse than they already are. We have moments when we break down and cry until our head aches and our face is red and on fire. I actually like to let myself do this when I’m feeling overwhelmed because once the headache afterwards is gone, I feel emotionally purged – like I faced my fear, dealt with the worst it, and came out the other side. It gives me mental energy and clarity.

This post was supposed to be about grief. I read an article a little while ago (you know, scrolling through FB when I should have been making my grocery list or doing any number of other productive things) about the loss of a child. I didn’t want to click on it, but I had to. Because I like to deal with my feelings, and in some twisted way feel like if I deal with these feelings, and confront these fears, that this won’t happen to my kids (trust me, I know that’s idiocy but not everything we do is logical). It’s such an overwhelming thought – to even so much as take the quickest glimpse into your future – a future that might not have your baby in it. It’s just wrong. It’s wrong per nature.

So I read this article and some of the comments from other mothers who had lost a child and I cried. I cried for them, because NO ONE should have to lose a child. I cried for the fear of losing one of my boys, and I thought about how if I lost them both I could just shrivel up and die but if I only lost one… I would somehow have to keep being a person. I would have to be wife, and mother to one, and also grieve the loss while putting up a convincing front. I don’t know how I would do it, I don’t know how anyone does, truly. The feeling of desolation inside must be constantly sickening.

I like to confront these feelings when the opportunity arises because it makes me glad – SO glad that I have chaotic fucking insane days and moments where I LOSE MY SHIT. Where I think WHAT ELSE CAN HAPPEN?!? Tantrums, crying, slamming doors, legos everywhere, vomiting, frozen pizza for dinner AGAIN, husband traveling, family imploding… and I think. Thank God. Thank God for the shitheads that make me bang my head into things on purpose. If I ever lost a son, I would give ANYTHING to be back in one of these “terrible” moments. Inspirational quotes are generally pretty obnoxious to me because (not that they’re bad quotes!) but because when people parrot, to me, it doesn’t tell me anything about who they are. Tell me something YOU said, not something someone else said, BUT I digress – one of those quotes that you see floating around that goes something like… we wouldn’t appreciate the sun if we didn’t have the rain – or something to that tune. I LOVE the sentiment there. And I might view this a little differently than normal. As in, I confront emotionally scary shit as much as I can because it grounds me and gives me ammo to deal with those tough days and moments. Not that it makes all the tough stuff sunny and unicorns, but it does put things into perspective. Perspective is something that is SEVERELY lacking in the world in my own experience with people and It’s something that I personally try and shed publicly as much as I can get away with without being hugely obnoxious.

Perspective breeds understanding, humility, patience, and kindness. It helps us to see others through THEIR world and not our own. Reality is different for every single person, and wouldn’t everyone’s lives be better if I and you took the time, and truly put ourselves emotionally and mentally into situations that are difficult – but help us understand why. Once we understand why, we can be empathetic and kind and most importantly, NOT AFRAID of the unknown. Emotional education is just as important as academic education.

As far as not having a solid theme throughout a post, I’d say this is a contender for best (worst?!?) ever! But I’m tired and emotionally spent. But I feel better. Like I can sleep now with a clear head and without thoughts racing keeping me awake.

I needed this blog more than I thought.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen,

I actually am not sure why I am here. I love to write, and I used to do it a lot…. but then ya know, life and shit got in the way (OH YEAH I swear. Sorry. I write as I speak and I tend to speak “colorfully”.)

ANYHOW I also go off on tangents a lot… so get used to that.

But in truth I do not entirely know what this blog will be comprised of. I love to tell funny kid stories because they’re funny and I don’t want to forget them when I’m old and forget literally everything.  I am EXTREMELY passionate about civil rights, racism, literature, the beauty and resilience of humanity, and other things that aren’t immediately coming to mind right now. I absolutely love to study history and patterns in a kind of “meta analysis” sort of way (yeah yeah I know, I sound SUPER douchey when I say things like “meta analysis”). BUT I LOVE THEM OK! OK!?!? It was my life goal for many years to have a PhD and talk daily about these sorts of things for a living but then I met the hubby, got married, and had kids. Definitely the less prestigious route but NO DOUBT more interesting 😉 Plus I’m happy and that kind of makes up for a lack of a sweet career. Doesn’t mean I won’t love waxing poetic about things no one else cares about for as long as this brain functions however. Also I randomly get the bug to write and then HAVE TO WRITE so now I have somewhere to do it.

SO has that answered your question about why I am here? No?

We’ll just have to see how this goes then, glad you’re here for the ride <3