Moments

We all have moments. Moments where we lose it and think that things can’t get any worse than they already are. We have moments when we break down and cry until our head aches and our face is red and on fire. I actually like to let myself do this when I’m feeling overwhelmed because once the headache afterwards is gone, I feel emotionally purged – like I faced my fear, dealt with the worst it, and came out the other side. It gives me mental energy and clarity.

This post was supposed to be about grief. I read an article a little while ago (you know, scrolling through FB when I should have been making my grocery list or doing any number of other productive things) about the loss of a child. I didn’t want to click on it, but I had to. Because I like to deal with my feelings, and in some twisted way feel like if I deal with these feelings, and confront these fears, that this won’t happen to my kids (trust me, I know that’s idiocy but not everything we do is logical). It’s such an overwhelming thought – to even so much as take the quickest glimpse into your future – a future that might not have your baby in it. It’s just wrong. It’s wrong per nature.

So I read this article and some of the comments from other mothers who had lost a child and I cried. I cried for them, because NO ONE should have to lose a child. I cried for the fear of losing one of my boys, and I thought about how if I lost them both I could just shrivel up and die but if I only lost one… I would somehow have to keep being a person. I would have to be wife, and mother to one, and also grieve the loss while putting up a convincing front. I don’t know how I would do it, I don’t know how anyone does, truly. The feeling of desolation inside must be constantly sickening.

I like to confront these feelings when the opportunity arises because it makes me glad – SO glad that I have chaotic fucking insane days and moments where I LOSE MY SHIT. Where I think WHAT ELSE CAN HAPPEN?!? Tantrums, crying, slamming doors, legos everywhere, vomiting, frozen pizza for dinner AGAIN, husband traveling, family imploding… and I think. Thank God. Thank God for the shitheads that make me bang my head into things on purpose. If I ever lost a son, I would give ANYTHING to be back in one of these “terrible” moments. Inspirational quotes are generally pretty obnoxious to me because (not that they’re bad quotes!) but because when people parrot, to me, it doesn’t tell me anything about who they are. Tell me something YOU said, not something someone else said, BUT I digress – one of those quotes that you see floating around that goes something like… we wouldn’t appreciate the sun if we didn’t have the rain – or something to that tune. I LOVE the sentiment there. And I might view this a little differently than normal. As in, I confront emotionally scary shit as much as I can because it grounds me and gives me ammo to deal with those tough days and moments. Not that it makes all the tough stuff sunny and unicorns, but it does put things into perspective. Perspective is something that is SEVERELY lacking in the world in my own experience with people and It’s something that I personally try and shed publicly as much as I can get away with without being hugely obnoxious.

Perspective breeds understanding, humility, patience, and kindness. It helps us to see others through THEIR world and not our own. Reality is different for every single person, and wouldn’t everyone’s lives be better if I and you took the time, and truly put ourselves emotionally and mentally into situations that are difficult – but help us understand why. Once we understand why, we can be empathetic and kind and most importantly, NOT AFRAID of the unknown. Emotional education is just as important as academic education.

As far as not having a solid theme throughout a post, I’d say this is a contender for best (worst?!?) ever! But I’m tired and emotionally spent. But I feel better. Like I can sleep now with a clear head and without thoughts racing keeping me awake.

I needed this blog more than I thought.