Month: February 2019

It’s about this time every year that I start to go a little crazy. The whirring in my brain gets louder than normal and my patience with the dogs and children dwindles. Messes seem more pervasive and my waistline grows as if to taunt me with the ever approaching warm weather and the thought that I DEFINITELY won’t be able to wear my summer clothes from last year.

February in the Midwest is a month of desperation and despair. It’s a month where winter should be dwindling, but much like the dog days of August, it seems to gain a strange sense of glee in making it EXTRA of everything we’re sick of.

March is usually much the same. It’s cold, it’s dreary, and we still need winter coats. But. Somehow it goes quickly and despite the nasty temperatures, the lilacs develop buds. It’s like just the knowledge that spring will be arriving has brightened the life back into then outside world.

Not February though. Everyone is depressed, everyone is sick, everyone is bored, and you can’t stand to do your indoor activities you normally enjoy even one.more.time.

Work is harder than normal, and motivation is lacking.

So I’m giving myself some grace. The drama descending from every part of my life right now and from everyone else’s I have talked to as well? It will pass. Don’t worry about it. The little bit “more” of me that I’m desperate to get rid of? It will come off naturally as I am able to get outside to play with the kids, the dogs, to jog more often and to start gardening for the year. The crazy in my head? I’m going to step outside and deep breath, even though it’s freezing. I may only last a few minutes but it will clear my thoughts if only for a little while. The constant sickness in my household? Well… that shit isn’t going away just yet HAH but a girl can dream!

Only a couple more days left in this month of dread, and every day feels like a day closer to sunshine and happiness.

I haven’t written here since September. SEPTEMBER. It’s not because I haven’t wanted to, in fact I think of it almost daily. Something pops into my head and I get this desperate desire to write about it – but I don’t Because I have too much work to do and I can’t afford to “waste” a half an hour doing something that isn’t going to make me money, clean my house, or entertain my children.

This is the trap I fall into, the large flaw in my personality (ok ok ONE OF the flaws).

It’s been my busy season at work, from fall through spring I work harder than normal (which is funny if you think about it because how can you be working harder than “normal” when the “normal” is only summertime??? But it’s how I view it. It’s how I justify to myself and to my family that I have to put in extra time instead of hanging out with them. Instead of doing something on the spot for myself that I enjoy.

I’m not a fool, I know that self care is important. I schedule dates with friends, I schedule a monthly massage (shout out to the best massage therapist EVA!), and I regularly exercise. BUT if you’ve noticed a pattern, these things are all scheduled, They are pre determined and fit into my schedule. What I suck at – is putting aside work when I need a break. I can’t just read my favorite magazine with my coffee in the morning because if my kids aren’t harassing me, I need to spend that time working.

Then what happens?? After a while, the quality of my work goes down. I get short tempered and snap at my kids too easily. I do this, instead of allowing myself a half an hour here or there to do something that rejuvenates me. I tend to be better at this in the summertime when I can go in the backyard and play outside with the dogs and kids, and dig in the dirt a little (gardening is the bomb yo!) BUT I CAN COUNT THOSE THINGS UNDER THE PRODUCTIVE CATEGORY. In the winter? I can’t. Writing is purely for ME. Reading is purely for ME. It doesn’t benefit anyone else.

But you know what, it does actually. After I finish writing this blog, I’ll have more energy. My mind will be clear. I’m be a calmer mom and suddenly my work will be creative again.

So why is it that we can’t allow ourselves moments that speak to and enrich who we are? I think it’s a flaw that many people have, but mostly parents. Mostly mothers. Dads work hard and non parents work hard – but men seem to be able to compartmentalize more effectively – and non parents don’t have the same sense of urgency at home to accomplish a set of things in the 15 minutes that Paw Patrol is on and in between sibling fights.

But moms. We can’t shut off our brains with that ever mounting to do list.

So I think we need to adapt. If we can’t shut it off, what can we do?

We need to prioritize time to do something small that makes us happy or gives us back the sense of calm that we have lost amongst the day, week, month, or years.

Yes, there are a million things I need to do, but right now, reading a chapter in this book/doing something creative/going for a run/etc will make me a person better capable of doing all those things.

As this blog comes to a close, I already feel a sense of calm spreading throughout my body which was 20 minutes ago tense. I almost didn’t even open this browser to do this. I’ve been fighting with myself all week about not having the time.

But you know what, I do. I should always have the time to do something just for me, and today, this is that thing.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, I hope you all give yourselves the love you deserve.