I think to myself “man I really need to write in my blog” like 3 times a week. But how often do I make the time to sit down and actually do it? Once a year? Yeah it’s pretty bad. I actually just logged in here and saw my unfinished/unposted post from exactly this time last year (whooooops) in my draft. I need to finish that one because it was about a really cool experience! Spoiler: hot air balloons!
This is me PROMISING to myself to post here more often. I think once a month is fair.
What is it that compels me to pick this up every year at the end of summer? That’s easy. Depression. I struggle this time of year. Every single summer I wake up in the morning with no motivation, no to low energy, no hope, and feeling terrible about myself – about who I am and what worth I have. If I wasn’t married, I would be confused – but then I talk to my husband, who reminds me that I get this way EVERY.SINGLE.SUMMER. Come July, I am just over the heat, the bugs, and humidity, and the nonstop work. I create LOADS of work for myself all the time, and when you add yard work to that, it creates a vortex that leads me to not prioritize relaxation or down time for myself. Also the kids are home and in my face and fighting 24/7. This year, I have had to bring them to work with me. Multiple jobs. Now I count myself VERY lucky that I have jobs that allows me to bring them…. but its rough not to be able to be just Emily (the person) at all. I’m mom every second of every day, from spring through the start of school in the fall.
You know how you’re at work and someone asks you for something and you can just focus on it? I used to. Now I get asked to wipe a butt, break up a fight, for a thousandth snack, and when we are leaving. At my job.
Logically, I know that my life is great. My problems are wonderful. I have a husband who I love (that only annoys me sometimes), kids who are MOSTLY healthy (my eldest has some stuff we are working on), an old home that I love, animals that I love, friends that keep me busy and are always there for me, and flexible jobs that put up with my vintage career path.
Yet this time of year, I see the negative. I see the struggle of running my own business rather than the excitement (sales are a bitch in the summer, my business just about zeroes out on me every year at this time). I see the days my husband is on the road rather than when he is home. I see the damage my animals create, the messes the kids make. I see the extra weight on my body that I can’t hide underneath bulky sweaters, and the families who can afford to take their kids on fabulous vacations.
We all have our seasons in life that cause us more struggle than others. Summer is mine. it always has been, and it likely always will to some degree. I keep telling myself that someday we’ll be at a point that we can afford to work less in the summer. Enjoy the sun rather than cursing it. Be caught up enough on outdoor projects that we can spend more time with the kids.
I think it comes down to my own expectations of myself. Isn’t that what everything I just mentioned is? An expectation – from my own mind, my own comparisons of other families. That’s what I need to work on most of all.
I am enough as a person that I am not a failure if I cannot do these things that I think I “should”. I am still enough if I don’t enjoy being out in the sun. I am enough if I don’t have the energy or money to take my kids on frequent adventures. I am enough if all I can do that day is clean the house and cook for the boys out of routine. I may not believe this right now, but I would love to.
And one last thing – maybe these comparisons, these ideas are even more horseshit than we think. No one is happy all of the time, even a picture perfect life can end in pain. Humanity is found in the ups and downs, and we need to own those moments. I try (even now) to pay respect to my season of depression by feeling it and trying to work through it/understand it. Finding things to be grateful for helps immensely.
I’ll end with a photo of fresh veggies from my garden, of which I am extremely grateful for (even though the vines give me crazy itchy rashes (anyone else have this allergy?!?)
