I haven’t written here since September. SEPTEMBER. It’s not because I haven’t wanted to, in fact I think of it almost daily. Something pops into my head and I get this desperate desire to write about it – but I don’t Because I have too much work to do and I can’t afford to “waste” a half an hour doing something that isn’t going to make me money, clean my house, or entertain my children.
This is the trap I fall into, the large flaw in my personality (ok ok ONE OF the flaws).
It’s been my busy season at work, from fall through spring I work harder than normal (which is funny if you think about it because how can you be working harder than “normal” when the “normal” is only summertime??? But it’s how I view it. It’s how I justify to myself and to my family that I have to put in extra time instead of hanging out with them. Instead of doing something on the spot for myself that I enjoy.
I’m not a fool, I know that self care is important. I schedule dates with friends, I schedule a monthly massage (shout out to the best massage therapist EVA!), and I regularly exercise. BUT if you’ve noticed a pattern, these things are all scheduled, They are pre determined and fit into my schedule. What I suck at – is putting aside work when I need a break. I can’t just read my favorite magazine with my coffee in the morning because if my kids aren’t harassing me, I need to spend that time working.
Then what happens?? After a while, the quality of my work goes down. I get short tempered and snap at my kids too easily. I do this, instead of allowing myself a half an hour here or there to do something that rejuvenates me. I tend to be better at this in the summertime when I can go in the backyard and play outside with the dogs and kids, and dig in the dirt a little (gardening is the bomb yo!) BUT I CAN COUNT THOSE THINGS UNDER THE PRODUCTIVE CATEGORY. In the winter? I can’t. Writing is purely for ME. Reading is purely for ME. It doesn’t benefit anyone else.
But you know what, it does actually. After I finish writing this blog, I’ll have more energy. My mind will be clear. I’m be a calmer mom and suddenly my work will be creative again.
So why is it that we can’t allow ourselves moments that speak to and enrich who we are? I think it’s a flaw that many people have, but mostly parents. Mostly mothers. Dads work hard and non parents work hard – but men seem to be able to compartmentalize more effectively – and non parents don’t have the same sense of urgency at home to accomplish a set of things in the 15 minutes that Paw Patrol is on and in between sibling fights.
But moms. We can’t shut off our brains with that ever mounting to do list.
So I think we need to adapt. If we can’t shut it off, what can we do?
We need to prioritize time to do something small that makes us happy or gives us back the sense of calm that we have lost amongst the day, week, month, or years.
Yes, there are a million things I need to do, but right now, reading a chapter in this book/doing something creative/going for a run/etc will make me a person better capable of doing all those things.
As this blog comes to a close, I already feel a sense of calm spreading throughout my body which was 20 minutes ago tense. I almost didn’t even open this browser to do this. I’ve been fighting with myself all week about not having the time.
But you know what, I do. I should always have the time to do something just for me, and today, this is that thing.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, I hope you all give yourselves the love you deserve.