The buzzing in my head is loud. Louder than normal. It has been for a while now. I’m pretty sure it’s just your garden variety anxiety (ahahaha no I did NOT make that rhyme on purpose) but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
My back tightens to a point where I can’t sleep and I feel like it constantly needs stretched only no amount of stretching alleviates the tension. My head is whirring in a way that blocks my ability to deal with new things and my creativity suffers. Every little thing that I need to do feels like it has an anvil attached to it.
My husband has been having a hard time understanding this lately. It bothered me until he explained it. He mentioned that it was like I’m a lion, and I’m letting a mosquito bring me down.
And that makes so much sense. Why am I letting all these little things bother me if I am this majestic, strong, huntress that can decimate everything in her path?
Because mosquito bites can be maddening if there are enough of them. If the lion is weak from fighting all.the.time – then one more bite can do her in.
Weak people get a lot of attention, a lot of help. Which is good, because they genuinely need it. Strong people get a pat on the back (at most) and a “you’ll be fine.” because we are a mythical creature who people truly believe will never break. But we do. When we break it’s usually violent, loud, and volcanic.
Which leads to a lot of confusion – and in my experience, more decimation.
I am at a point in my life where I am looking around me and seriously considering what needs changing. Where can growth be had, what are the things I need to shed in order to be able to relax at the end of the day? What brings me fulfillment vs furthers my anxiety?
The answers to these questions are hard to find. There is no blanket list available, no miracle drug (ok maybe there are but addiction runs rampant in my family so HARD PASS), no boxes to check when at completion I’ll automatically be “living my best life” again.
What I do have is small moments that I can take pleasure in. Small moments and things that make me forget for a millisecond that the hard things in my life have taken residence in my body and are trying very hard to force me as I know myself out.
The first sip of a hot cup of coffee, the sun peeking through the trees, my favorite song playing in the car (seriously, how nice is it that we have the ability now to listen to WHATEVER we want WHENEVER we want and not have to wait to catch the exact moment it came on the radio to then record it to a cassette??? I’m looking at YOU 1990s!). I can close my eyes and imagine sitting on my patio and writing this, instead of at my kitchen table. Soon it will be warm enough to let the fresh spring air envelope me instead of the air in my house, which constantly smells like 3 boys live here no matter how much I clean.
I can’t run away from the hard things. None of us can. We can try, but ultimately it just prolongs the inevitable crash. What we CAN do is focus on what we have control over. Focus on the things that DO bring us joy (and no I am not talking about Kondo style). Focus on the things that we can fill our minds and souls with when we’re deep in the abyss of the hardest things life can throw at us.
I don’t know what this will all look like for me yet, but I’m working on it, and that’s all I can ask of myself. It’s all you can ask of YOU as well.