I have been wanting to write this entire week but have been trying not to because I don’t want this to be a sounding board for negativity, depression, and things that leave people worse after reading them instead of better. But ultimately, I write in here to sort through and process thoughts that are milling about in my head making it difficult for me to otherwise use my brain properly. I am definitely at a stand off here within myself and need to work some things out.
There are some difficult things happening with my family at this time (kind of ongoing really, but there are times that it gets better or worse and right now it’s the latter). It is a situation that deeply affects me and everyone around me yet there just is little I can actually do about it. I have to sit and watch things burn from the sidelines and then deal with the aftermath of the fire and it is very difficult for me to do time and again.
I found out Monday night that a woman who lives a few blocks from me took her own life after taking the lives of her twin daughters. It was violent, awful, and I can’t believe that it happened. I met her when I was pregnant with Owen and was out garage sale-ing. I stopped at her house as she was having a sale and Max wanted to play because her girls were his age and outside playing in their very fun backyard. She invited him to play and me to sit, and we talked for a couple hours as the kids played on the playground, in the bouncy house, and in the sandbox. He had a blast. The kids played on a couple more occasions but I have not seen her recently. Regardless of that, I remember her and her children clearly as they were sweet and kind little girls – just what you’d imagine them to be. She was a good mom. She only fed the kids organic food, took them to PT for issues stemming from them being twins in the womb, and cared deeply about their happiness and development. We talked about potty training and her mom chided us for not having pushed our kids to be fully potty trained and we laughed and said we were both letting them go at their own pace. I am certain that if you had told her then what would transpire in less than 2 years she would have been appalled. This was not an evil person.
I am having a hard time reconciling these 2 people. That the same woman who welcomed me, Max, and later Owen into her home was the same woman who could do what she did. It tears me up deeply that she was so disturbed that she thought that what she did was the best thing for her babies. I believe that most people who do things like this are so deluded that they believe in their heart of hearts that they are doing the right thing. For that, I can’t blame her. I can’t blame someone for having such a severe mental delusion. However, as a mother, and someone who knew those kids… I can’t forgive her. I can understand that she was not nearly rational, but I cannot forgive. I pride myself on being empathetic and forgiving but I have not been able to be that person this time around. Maybe in time I will be, I’d like to think that I will. This whole thing has shaken me on a level that I don’t know how to deal with. Those little girls just started kindergarten, just like Max. I can imagine them getting dressed up in their little uniforms for the first time and excitedly walking the halls, making their first friends and hoping their teacher was nice. How scared and horrified those same little girls must have been on Monday in their last moments of life.
In and amongst all of this, I see pictures of floods ruining people’s homes and lives. Babies floating in rubbermaid bins and dogs clinging to pipes so that they do not drown. This weather in Texas seems almost biblical in it’s severity.
This week feels like the end of times. So much tragedy, so much sadness and loss.
Yet my dear husband, unbeknownst to me, went to the house on the now infamous Reed street and left flowers from our garden before work. There are now crosses, and more flowers. People in the community coming together to mourn and give what little support they know how. It’s meager, but it is all we have to offer.
There are people who are working countless and constant hours to rescue those who are trapped in the clutches of Harvey. Carrying dogs, women, babies, and others through the waters. Neighbors searching for those who need help in their canoes. A friend of mine is opening up her house to shelter a dog who will need a home until he can go back to his own. All across the world, people are helping.
In times of tragedy and uncertainty, people band together, and it is beautiful.
In times of fear and sadness, there are still children laughing and playing.
A hummingbird was fluttering around my garden yesterday, blissfully unaware of the human world.
There is beauty in the world if you look for it. I think that’s really the key – to look for it. To acknowledge that there are terrible things that can and will happen, to offer what help and support you can, and then to look for the beauty in the remains.
None of this makes the journey any easier, but it’s so important to know – even if it’s in the very back of your mind- that there are still things to make you happy, reasons to smile, pretty things to look at, children to teach and play with, and people who need you to be present and happy. What we do and how we feel so greatly affects those around us.
If this is the end of times, let’s go out with as much grace as possible – loving and helping those around us.
And until the day when the world is no more, take care of yourself friends. I am pretty damn certain that if anyone, and I mean ANYONE reached out in a crisis, that whoever they called would drop whatever they were doing to help. I have known too many people who have killed themselves because they thought it was the best or only solution. It isn’t. It wasn’t and it isn’t. Please let me be your lifeline. If you ever need me, call, text, message, yell if you’re close enough. If you know anyone who needs help and won’t talk to anyone they know and doesn’t want to call a hotline, give them my number. I will always help as much as I can. Any time day or night.
I love you all dearly and hope that you can recognize the beauty around you, because the world is amazing and it needs you in it.
And for those of you weren’t able to get the help you needed, rest in peace. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of you Mike Traverso – what an asset to this planet you were with your genuine smile, heart of gold, and kind nature. I couldn’t have picked a better first crush and have always measured boyfriends by the yardstick of how big your heart was. I will remember you with love always.
Celisa, I hope that you have found somewhere to rest with no more weight on your shoulders. Makayla and Addison, I hope you are eternally playing and loved in the arms of God.
To the immediate family members of these people and so many others, I hope that you are able to find the tiniest piece of beauty so that you know there is hope, however far away, of a better day.