wineandchaos.com

I’ve never been a craft person. I’m not a meticulous planner AT ALL. I , in fact, loathe planning things. I do it anyway – I run a business, I’m a mom… but I do not enjoy that part of my adult obligations. Most crafts require so much planning – first you have the idea (or see it somewhere online), then you have to research WHICH products/parts you need (and damn this is ALWAYS a rabbit hole), then you need to research HOW to do it, then you need to find time and space, etc etc. It’s a lot of work to make something small. It’s just not fun for me.

This has typically boiled down to one thing for me: say no to crafts. For things I will be doing often (typically for my business) – I don’t mind learning. I’ll suck it up and do all the hard stuff because once you get something down pat, it becomes much simpler and not very stressful. There are many facets of fixing/cleaning vintage and antiques that feel like an awful lot of research/trial and error – but it’s something I do every day. Worth it. Plus I’m saving things that would have been thrown out! Win!

When an idea for a craft pops into my head, I usually think “Oh that would be fun!” then the mental equivalent of me snapping a rubber band on my wrist. NO EMILY THAT WOULD NOT BE FUN! My husband is always very eager to jump in and tell me also, that NO EMILY THAT WOULD NOT BE FUN.

Then came this August. If I’m gonna do a craft, it’s gotta be duplicatable (for business purposes- I cannot just learn a new thing, spend a bunch of money to get started, and then make only one), and have a vintage feel to it. Bonus if I am repurposing something!

You all know about my ghosts at this point – I found this one thrifting years ago and have always LOVED it! So have my friends/fam/customers. I frequently got asked if I would sell him and I have never been willing to part with him. So I thought… you know what. Maybe I can reimagine him. He’s got a vintage look (I LOATHE plasticy cheap decor… like really and truly loathe), and he’s that perfect balance between spooky and cute! You could easily creep him up if that is your vibe, or make him really tame if your kids scare easily.

THE OG !

I read a couple tutorials, and immediately realized why I hate crafts. Everyone does the same thing differently – which way is better?????? WHO KNOWS! Certainly not me! So I winged it. I really, really winged it. This wound up being the perfect craft for me because it didn’t need to be cookie cutter, and I could fuck it up without ACTUALLY fucking it up. I just got to be creative.

You guys, I made A LIBRARY GHOST! Cue me geeking out. Also these tiny little decorative pieces were WAY MORE EXPENSIVE than they should be allowed to be. Bah humbug.

Now the boys found my supplies for these and immediately burned through all of them making figures and stuff, so ya know, par for the course. But anyway.

There has been a heavy amount of mental health struggle in my household lately. My eldest son has entered 6th grade and it seems like allllllll the pre teen bullshit hit him on the same day. I won’t go into too much detail because this is, in fact, the internet and he will, one day be an adult and have to read this thing about him online. But it’s been a lot of the worst kind of stuff. There are other people in my family as well going through similar things and I’ve been just barely keeping my head above water. Some moments it very much felt like I wasn’t above water at all. One of those, how can you swim when you are trying to save too many drowning people?

It felt great to put the kids to bed, and just be creative for a couple hours at night. I tend to work until I fall asleep (there is ALWAYS SO MUCH TO DO!) and I have a serious problem with relaxation when I feel behind. This was still something “to do”, but it enabled me to sit and focus on something relatively unimportant, but fun. I could trick myself into doing it instead of organizing or cleaning because it “was for work.”

MOVING ON!

If you have followed me for any amount of time, you know that finding uranium glass is one of my favorites! It’s such a fun thing and to me has always felt like a secret society – if you don’t know what you’re looking it, it’s just green depression glass. If you do, what a treat! Behind that black light is an eerie glow just waiting to be discovered.

A downside to my trade is how many AMAZING things I find that are broken. I can fix a lot of them, but I can’t fix chipped glassware. A large portion of the uranium glass I find is chipped, and it kills me a little bit every time I find it, and have to leave it where it is. Then I had a lightbulb moment – what if I buy this chipped/cracked uranium glass, then hammer it down, and use the chips to make glowing jars?!? It took me a while to find jars that were the size I was looking for, with corked toppers (because the vibe has to be consistent!) that were cost effective.

I finally found a few, and got to work! Remember how I said I don’t like to plan? Yeah. I just hammered glass, not really thinking about it shooting back up at me. Turns out that the thin pieces of glass were not glowing well once cracked up, and only those RREEALLLYYY thick pieces were usable. Those are hard to break into small pieces. I got frustrated and started targeting those pieces specifically and one of those very heavy pieces shot back up and essentially punched my knuckle. I couldn’t even be mad, it was a great “FUCK YOU STOP HAMMERING ME!” that gave me a bruised knuckle and a couple inch gash! Lesson learned.

I have way less of these than I wanted to (because a lot of the glass turned out not to be usable) BUT they are EXACTLY how I imagined them, and I found a way to repurpose broken uranium glass. Still my beating heart! I will definitely do this again as I find more glass.

Mental health is a bitch, and I am no expert on it. I do know though, that forcing your brain to focus on something different during times of stress is very important. Anytime you have to learn something new, it’s obviously fantastic for you, but it also gets you off whatever hamster wheel you’re currently stuck on. For me that’s organizing the pit of hell that is my basement, garage, the never ending cycle of cleaning my house, etc. Of course while deeply worrying about my son, my brother, etc. I did none of those things while working on these crafts.

That being said, I think I’m done with my crafts until next fall!

Happy Halloween season!

I unapologetically love people. They do shitty things all the time, it’s true – but my favorite thing is to listen, watch, and generally take in the quirks, passions, and nuances that everyone has.

As I sit here on my porch with rain coming down, I hear loud singing. At first I’m confused, who the heck is out here singing, outside in the rain? Then I see the truck. It’s the mailman. We’ve had quite a few mailmen since we’ve moved in (it’s an old walking route, it’s not the easiest assignment) and the current one is memorable. He’s relatively young, he ALWAYS has headphones on, and he SINGS. Like top of his lungs, DOESNOTGIVEAFUCK who hears his happy ass tone deaf voice, and he sings. He’s in his own little world every day as he delivers the mail and I love it.

This is what life is. To be yourself. To be able to find joy in the every day. This is where happiness lies. We make happiness out to be this big complicated thing, but it really isn’t. It’s letting go of what YOU THINK others MIGHT think of you (I once heard the quote – I do not remember where – that what other people think of you is none of your business and OMG if that isn’t the best statement ever!) and just let yourself live.

We tend to view life as this BIG THING that we need to make BIG DECISIONS about and have it all planned and figured out. But actually? We need to make the best of our current circumstances and our choices. This man delivers mail, he does it in 100 degrees and in 10 degrees, in the sun and the rain. What makes this daily job tolerable? Maybe even fun? HE SINGS!

It’s so damn easy to get caught up in the big thoughts. The “what ifs”, the “when”, the “how long” etc – but it’s the little choices we make every day that add up to so much. Have your goals, work your ass off, worry if you you must, but don’t wait for the perfect moment to sing, just do it.

I think to myself “man I really need to write in my blog” like 3 times a week. But how often do I make the time to sit down and actually do it? Once a year? Yeah it’s pretty bad. I actually just logged in here and saw my unfinished/unposted post from exactly this time last year (whooooops) in my draft. I need to finish that one because it was about a really cool experience! Spoiler: hot air balloons!

This is me PROMISING to myself to post here more often. I think once a month is fair.

What is it that compels me to pick this up every year at the end of summer? That’s easy. Depression. I struggle this time of year. Every single summer I wake up in the morning with no motivation, no to low energy, no hope, and feeling terrible about myself – about who I am and what worth I have. If I wasn’t married, I would be confused – but then I talk to my husband, who reminds me that I get this way EVERY.SINGLE.SUMMER. Come July, I am just over the heat, the bugs, and humidity, and the nonstop work. I create LOADS of work for myself all the time, and when you add yard work to that, it creates a vortex that leads me to not prioritize relaxation or down time for myself. Also the kids are home and in my face and fighting 24/7. This year, I have had to bring them to work with me. Multiple jobs. Now I count myself VERY lucky that I have jobs that allows me to bring them…. but its rough not to be able to be just Emily (the person) at all. I’m mom every second of every day, from spring through the start of school in the fall.

You know how you’re at work and someone asks you for something and you can just focus on it? I used to. Now I get asked to wipe a butt, break up a fight, for a thousandth snack, and when we are leaving. At my job.

Logically, I know that my life is great. My problems are wonderful. I have a husband who I love (that only annoys me sometimes), kids who are MOSTLY healthy (my eldest has some stuff we are working on), an old home that I love, animals that I love, friends that keep me busy and are always there for me, and flexible jobs that put up with my vintage career path.

Yet this time of year, I see the negative. I see the struggle of running my own business rather than the excitement (sales are a bitch in the summer, my business just about zeroes out on me every year at this time). I see the days my husband is on the road rather than when he is home. I see the damage my animals create, the messes the kids make. I see the extra weight on my body that I can’t hide underneath bulky sweaters, and the families who can afford to take their kids on fabulous vacations.

We all have our seasons in life that cause us more struggle than others. Summer is mine. it always has been, and it likely always will to some degree. I keep telling myself that someday we’ll be at a point that we can afford to work less in the summer. Enjoy the sun rather than cursing it. Be caught up enough on outdoor projects that we can spend more time with the kids.

I think it comes down to my own expectations of myself. Isn’t that what everything I just mentioned is? An expectation – from my own mind, my own comparisons of other families. That’s what I need to work on most of all.

I am enough as a person that I am not a failure if I cannot do these things that I think I “should”. I am still enough if I don’t enjoy being out in the sun. I am enough if I don’t have the energy or money to take my kids on frequent adventures. I am enough if all I can do that day is clean the house and cook for the boys out of routine. I may not believe this right now, but I would love to.

And one last thing – maybe these comparisons, these ideas are even more horseshit than we think. No one is happy all of the time, even a picture perfect life can end in pain. Humanity is found in the ups and downs, and we need to own those moments. I try (even now) to pay respect to my season of depression by feeling it and trying to work through it/understand it. Finding things to be grateful for helps immensely.

I’ll end with a photo of fresh veggies from my garden, of which I am extremely grateful for (even though the vines give me crazy itchy rashes (anyone else have this allergy?!?)

My eldest dog got skunked last night. It wasn’t NEARLY the first time but this time was different.

Let me set the stage. Before the skunking, I burned a bag of microwave popcorn. I don’t make popcorn very often, and I’m in a new house with a different microwave than I am used to so I went with the higher suggested amount of minutes written on the bag. I figured I’d just pull it when it stopped popping – that’s what most of us do right??? Except I decided to take the garbage bag outside to hand off to my husband. But he wasn’t right off the porch so I thought I would just walk it around back in the alley myself… forgetting about the popcorn.

Walked back in and SMOOOKEEEEE everywhere. EVERYWHERE. The microwave was still going too, so in case you were wondering it definitely takes LESS than 4 minutes to burn the bejeesus out of that shit.

My husband walks in. “WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?” Me: “POPCORN!” We scramble to open windows (most of which are still stuck because apparently this just happens with old windows that haven’t been opened in ages) and he runs into the garage to get box fans to expedite the de smoking process. This smells BAD. Like I cannot even believe how bad it smelled! About 10 minutes of that, and my husband takes the dogs outside. We are pet sitting for my mom and her dog is very old and we wanted to make sure she peed a couple times before bed. I’m still inside setting up my essential oil diffusers to help with the burn smell (lavender, lemon, and peppermint is my blend of choice for this if you are wondering!)

I hear yelling…. “ROSIE GOT SKUNKED!”

My internal voice in my head WHAT THE FUCK! OMG ALL THE WINDOWS ARE OPEN! Then the smell of skunk starts seeping into the house because truly, ALL the windows that weren’t stuck are open. With fans blowing right next to them.

I start shutting windows as fast as I can (without damaging them because antique windows with rope pulleys yo)!! and then run outside to assess the situation.

She got sprayed in the face… which is where she usually gets sprayed, because she blatantly ignores warning signs and gets all up close and personal with her black and white “friends”. We get the other animals in (who were bright enough to stay away) and I start searching for the bottle of de skunker that I KNOOOWWWW I bought after the last time she got skunked! Found it BOOM #winning! We did that, then the age old traditional baking soda/dish soap/peroxide wash. Then a regular bath.

Oh 30s, you are the best. We already had box fans in the garage to air out the popcorn (and air IN the skunk LOL), we already had a bottle of Nature’s Miracle Skunk Remover in the house, and we also had peroxide and baking soda! Not to mention quick access to junk towels, plastic gloves, and just in general – a protocol. We laughed while we de skunked, and then went back into our burny skunky old home.

In our 20s when this would happen – there would be tears, frustration, and late night trips to wal mart. There would be dogs sleeping in the garage because we couldn’t figure out a solution that worked. There was a week after one skunking where I constantly smelled it IN my damn nose and throat because I breathed it in heavily not knowing that it would stick if I got too close to that oil. Clothes were brought in the house that permeated into everything else.

Experience – I will take you any day of the week – even though it means that my boobs are saggy now and I have permanent bags under my eyes.

Picture of the furry jerkface that loves to sniff skunks and was super happy with us after her 3 baths.

As soon as I saw this kitchen I knew it needed to torn up and redone. Nothing in it is original to the house, and it has been redone multiple times (ohhh the footprints of multiple owners are here!) and never done WELL. However, that is a financial impossibility at this point so my next idea was to obtain an island, paint cabinets, and fix walls in the hopes that I wouldn’t hate it terribly and could wait and save money to demo years down the line. Also the sink isn’t in the kitchen. Still processing that.

First up, island. I looked on ikea, facebook marketplace, craig’s list, etc trying to find an island. I couldn’t find anything cheaper than a few hundred and those weren’t even the right style for the room. Finally something popped up! It was over an hour away but it was a REALLY big butcher block on top of what looked like cabinets that needed some love for $50. I thought SCORE! We loaded up the kids in the truck and went to get it. DEFINITELY didn’t read the sale ad well enough because it was JUST for the butcher block top and not the cabinet… whoops. Oh well, we drove all the way we were coming home with something!

So now the butcher block needs a dresser. Or cabinet. Yet again, I searched. I checked the ReStore, I checked online, I check yard sales, thrift stores – nothing that fit within the measurements I needed for cheap enough.

The next time I was at my parent’s house, I decided to go see what they had laying around (I grew up garage sale-ing and thrifting with them so they ALWAYS have random stuff!) I found this ugly ass dresser being used as a catch all in the basement and thought. YEP. That’s it. It’s ugly, its the right size, it’s free – let’s see what I can do with it! I like a challenge!

First thing I did was sand the crap out of it! That was easy.

Then I realized that the backing was REALLY thin. Like my kids would be sitting at it, move their feet and probably kick through the back of it. I was contemplating if I should go get some plywood in the back or SOMETHING to bolster it. As I was pondering, I realized that my parents had a random sheet in the garage. I don’t know HOW that worked out so well but there it was! So. my mom, aunt and I cut it down and attached it with tiny nails! Not perfect, but we did it all with stuff we found around the house and garage.

I really want to emphasize here, that if you don’t know what you are doing or what you even need – just start. Just fucking start. You’ll figure it out along the way, and MAYBE even get lucky and scrounge stuff like I was able to! The biggest killer of projects is fear. You’re afraid to start because you don’t know where to start… so you never do. Stuff sits, projects and dreams die. It’s stupid, it’s sad, and it doesn’t need to be that way. JUST DO THE THING YOU BADASS BITCH! You are SO much more capable than you think you are.

ANYWAY! Next up was clean the thing, and bring it over to the house. Once in the new place, I realized I needed to cover up the holes from the old hardware because DUH those terrible things weren’t going back on! Also I needed to fix the bottom because all around the edges the wood was fraying and chipping.

We used some REALLY terrible smelling wood putty then sanded it down. This part was not enjoyable. Then glued whatever pieces still weren’t secure enough with just the putty alone.

Once that was secure we flipped it upright and and I was able to get to painting! Nice and simple coat of primer, followed by two coats of paint! This part was SUPER easy.

Next it was time to glue the butcher block top down! Currently the glue is the only thing holding it down but I DO want to add brackets for added safety.

Then I got to treat that bad boy and that made me SO happy because it was GROSS. My tried and true method for butcher block is to first disinfect, then put sea salt on the wood, then scrub with a half of a lemon until the whole thing is lemony fresh and brighter looking! Once THAT is dried after wiping it clean, then I use a SHIT TON of butcher block conditioner. I liberally drench it. For the first time anyway – once it is initially treated I only do this once a month at most and not nearly to this heavy degree. This is necessary initially to get the wood where it needs to be though if it is brand new or just old and neglected. I wipe it in, then let it sit overnight. In the AM I wipe off any excess and then let it sit another day before putting anything on top. This particular butcher block had a few stains on it which were gone once all this was done!

Then I built some stools (spoiler alert, they’re too big and all 4 won’t fit BOO!) but for now, whatever. Otherwise we put on some new hardware and DONNNEEEE!!!

I also painted the cabinets too, that was a huge pain in the ass! Not fun, do not recommend. End result worth it but… nope. I will totally build another island but no more cabinets.

You can kinda see the original wood grain design if you look from the side!

Now clearly we have not tackled the walls yet (aside from prying off all that old wallpaper) so that is up next! CANNOT WAIT to get started on that! But either way, I am proud of what I did so far. NONE OF IT is perfect, but not bad for me winging it! My hope is to wing enough projects around here that eventually, I will know exactly what I’m doing.

Until next time!

I’ve been in my new (old!) 1908 home for about 3 weeks now. I am desperate to be like “look what I’ve done!” but I’m basically slapping my own hand away from sharing because I NEED TO FINISH A THING! LITERALLY ANYTHING! I am my own worst enemy right now – doing so many things at once that not one is even close to done. Not only do I still have boxes all over the house, I still have boxes at my parents AND my in laws house that we have not picked up.

I feel like this is a lesson in here…. like focus… stick to one thing at a time… don’t bite off more than you can chew… yadda yadda yadda. I’m a clusterF – we all know this about me by now.

So what have I been up to (besides unpacking and yelling at my kids not to run on the stairs they have each fallen on multiple times – no lessons learned yet – and also to stop fighting?) All the things! Let’s do this!

Trying to figure out what in the hell style I want in this home. I keep flip flopping back and forth. I keep running into things that I need, then struggling with what KIND of thing that I need to get. If I was currently thrifting I’m sure It would make my life easier (as I just KNOW when I see something) but I have been totally consumed with getting settled and organized in this house so haven’t been doing my normal treasure hunting! Like do you see this CHAOS of a dual office?? HOW DO I MAKE A DUAL OFFICE LOOK ORGANIZED AND COHESIVE !?! arg. BTW anyone have recommendations on floor mats for chairs?

Going to parties and events. OMG there have been so many parties and events! I don’t know what it is about this time of year but we have (on average) 3+ different things in our schedule EACH weekend day. I hate bowing out of things but we can only make so much. That means no home projects have been getting done on weekends, SUCK! I am so ready for it to get colder out! SIDE NOTE! If we have been to one of your parties or events, it was lovely! If I hadn’t JUST moved I would be less of an asshole about this

Trying to shift the weather with my mind. High humidity, lots of bugs. I CAN AND WILL TURN IT DOWN! Did I mention I am ready for it to get colder out???

Painting kitchen cabinets and building my kitchen island! I have actually already finished this BUT we lost a piece of hardware on a drawer and haven’t installed hardware on the island so I’m not QUITE done. Cross your fingers for me I find the missing drawer handle! HOW DID I LOSE THAT?!? OH and speaking of kitchen islands! I scored BIG at Bed Bath & Beyond! I was there for other stuff, hit their furniture clearance section, and found four brand new in the box stools for the island for LESS than $100 for all 4. MEGA clearance. I can’t wait to get them built and up! I will do a whole before and after once the kitchen is done!

Trying to decide what to do with the weird ass hole in our yard that once had a trailer IN IT. This needs it’s own blog post. It will happen.

Finding and picking up my dream desk (Restoration Hardware HEAAAVVEEENNNN!) from super far away from a 1.7 million dollar home from a CEO! I now work on a multi millionaires desk! This makes me cool right? Tell me this makes me cool. But maybe not because the drawer fell out and got hit by cars on the way home with it. Sigh. I was cool for 10 seconds.

I’m also stripping the GIANT window in my foyer (is that the right word? The large room when you first come in the house??). I was anyway. I started, then got involved in the kitchen and stopped. I left the painters tape up though as means to keep me thinking about it. That might work to keep me from putting it off. Maybe.

I am trying to make my alley and yard less embarrassing. The weeds are BAD. I mean like no one weeded here in multiple years bad. and there is a lot of wood type garbage that got left here in the alley that we are slowly going through and putting out for the garbage men (those dudes are HEROES!) to take in reasonable amounts at a time. Once THAT is gone I can cut down a ton of trees that have randomly popped up that are in very inopportune spots.

Also school started. THANK GOD but also finding all the things for that has been a challenge. OY! BUT THEY’RE SO CUTE! AND NOW I CAN DRINK COFFEE IN PEACE!

There’s a lot more, and sooooon we will be starting with our Plaster Magic on the kitchen walls because THOSE are a HOT mess. The hottest mess, if you will.

Until next time my friends!

HEY GUYS! I’m back!

So here’s the scoop: at the end of the month (God and all other deities willing) I am buying a beautiful old Dutch Colonial Revival in the hills of the Joliet Cathedral area that was built in 1908.

Our current house is still a clusterfuck of stress as we are 1.5 weeks out from closing and are still waiting on the appraisal to come back before we can finish negotiations for that sale. YIKES!

I am biding my time by packing and making plans for my new (old!) place and also trying to keep my boys from killing each other because it’s summer break and they spend all their time either insulting or being insulted. Ah youth!

I am VERY excited to get into this place and as I start renovating, share with you guys what I am doing! I have NO experience with anything like this at all, but I know that I will learn and do as much as I possibly can on my own. This means multiple fails, lots of fuck ups, and hopefully laughter and life experience!

Most of the house (trim, floors, all woodwork) is oak – and most of it is in really good shape! There is one very large window that is dark wood and we were trying to puzzle out why ONE window would be different. Then we looked closer. OH ok – this is just years of built up something! Wax? stain? shellac? Who knows. I am a member of a restoring old houses group on facebook so I posted these pictures and asked if anyone had experiences removing stuff like this without damaging what was underneath. I’m lazy, don’t want to have to sand and refinish if I don’t have to!

Most of the comments were helpful, looks like I’ll be trying denatured alcohol (I’ll keep you updated on this process once I get in there and start!) but then there was this one.

I don’t even OWN the house yet and already people are seeing ghosts and this one had me rolling with laughter and also SO stupid excited that I am about to own a home old enough that someone sees GHOSTS in the WOODWORK. I just cannot. and by the way guys, I 100000% believe in ghosts… but just…. this was a stretch.

Life is good you guys, life.is.good.

It’s in the depths of summer. That time of year when the cicadas are so loud it’s deafening. When you walk outside and are unsure if the air is hugging or suffocating you. Pretty sure it’s the latter but, ya know. Regardless, here I am. Sitting outside on my patio warding off mosquitos and trying to breathe through the thickness in the air that only comes with this time of year. Being out here tonight, I felt the need to write. I’ve had a great many things pop into my brain over the last month that I’ve wanted to wax poetic on but wasn’t in a place where I could sit down and put it to paper (or laptop if we’re being realistic). But today, there is one thing on my mind.

Today I ran by a pair of shoes on my evening jog. The same pair of shoes I ran by earlier this week. Last week too. They’re sandals. Women’s. On the edge of the sidewalk leaned into the grass of someone’s front yard – neatly. Like they were placed there strategically, with a purpose. One leaned slightly on top of the other. Almost like they were posed for an eBay photo.

I have a million questions. First off – why would someone place them so neatly, then forget them. I imagine the owner, running around with glee, about to do a cartwheel then she says “wait!” and runs them to the edge of the yard before doing her acrobatics. But no… if you’re about to do a cartwheel, you kick them off with abandon!

I then picture a lone girl, getting kidnapped – wondering if she lost her shoes in the process… should I call the police ? But no, those wouldn’t have been neatly placed either. They would have been lost in a struggle.

They are curling up on the edges now, because of the rain. When I first ran by them they were cute! Clean – not heavily worn. Now they look like they have stories to tell.

I want to walk them to the front door, hand them to whoever answers and say “you forgot these!” but then I realize – surely they have seen them by now. There must be a reason they’re still sitting there.

I think of lost friendships, that they could represent something someone lost, and moving them would harm the memory. But really, how likely is that?

I think about the owner living there. Maybe she wore them on the worst night of her life, took them off the second she got out of the car and up to the door – and just left them and couldn’t bear to look at them again. Someone would take them and then they’d be gone!

A pair of sandals on the sidewalk. They might have no story at all, or they might have one better than I can dream up. I guess we’ll never know.

We’re all fighting battles of some sort or another. One of the largest mistakes we make as individuals is to assume that someone is not. Their life might look perfect, they might look to be hugely successful or have the perfect home or the perfect kids. Newsflash – that does.not.exist.

In this digital age we have gotten really good at making everyday shit look amazing – even tech amateurs can make that vacation look “perfect” or their afternoon baking with the kids look like the most loving memory, instead of the festival of chaos it probably was.

Every single one of us has a cultivated digital personality – whether we did it on purpose or not. It’s how we present ourselves to the world, and how we either choose to be seen, or subconsciously believe we deserve to be seen. Mine is very much about my hilariously ill behaved children and their shenanigans, but also my positivity in a world that can desperately use it. You don’t often see me downtrodden or unrealistically perfect. However- this does not mean that what you are seeing is all that there is. It does not mean that I am not struggling daily or that I am a stranger to a whole host of issues you yourself may be dealing with.

I’ve always had weird health issues that I couldn’t pinpoint, but they got remarkably bad during my pregnancy with Owen, and then never improved. Because this is not a health forum I won’t get too into it but let’s just say that my digestion is all off, my hormones are wacky as hell, I can’t lose weight to save my life (in fact, I also can’t stop gaining it), and I am so fatigued all the time that I need to take a daily nap to be able to function even at a low level. I went to multiple doctors, had tons of blood work, and everything was within the “normal” range – so I was fine.

Owen is 3.5 so this has been a thing for 4ish years at this point. I recently went to a naturopath to have a food sensitivity panel and complete hormone test done because I have been unable to find ANY answers elsewhere.

Turns out I have the hormones of a geriatric woman, and I have been experiencing pre menopause. Ok, that explains A LOT of it.

I also am highly sensitive to gluten, dairy, eggs, and a few other things. So ya know, a large part of my diet because I’m not a huge fan of meat.

There are a few other issues thrown in there but that’s the gist of it. As of last week I have completely upended the way I am living my life in order to get my health in check and it’s hard. Not as hard as not knowing why I feel like shit all the time, but hard. There is a lot of adjusting when you suddenly have to give up most of the things you eat on a daily basis and find alternatives.

I’m on enough daily supplements/vitamins that I could rival the pill cabinet of a 90 year old and keeping Owen out of them is turning out to be an olympic sport because they don’t have child locks and I don’t have a cabinet to keep them so they live on my countertop.

I’m fearful that I won’t be able to fix these problems, but hopeful enough to try.

I have had no dairy, no wheat, no sugar, or pretty much anything fun in the last week and since that stuff is technically still in my system I still feel like garbage.

But I had a moment today. I needed lunch and thought, what in the hell am I going to eat? Then it hit me : Guacamole. It doesn’t have a single thing in it that I cannot eat, and I fucking LOVE guacamole. It’s basically heaven in a bowl and I CAN EAT IT! Who cares that I can’t eat tons of stuff because I STILL HAVE GUAC SON!

How often do we overlook small things that make us happy or that we enjoy because they aren’t “enough” or because they pale in comparison to whatever we have going on in our lives? Because someone else’s life looks perfect and ours is awful so what’s the point.? For me, all the time. I can’t tell you the last time I truly appreciated eating guacamole but today I did. Sometimes we need a reminder to appreciate the little things that make life great, even if that reminder comes in the form of a bunch of shitty allergies and health problems.

I challenge you all to find your guacamole today 😉

The buzzing in my head is loud. Louder than normal. It has been for a while now. I’m pretty sure it’s just your garden variety anxiety (ahahaha no I did NOT make that rhyme on purpose) but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

My back tightens to a point where I can’t sleep and I feel like it constantly needs stretched only no amount of stretching alleviates the tension. My head is whirring in a way that blocks my ability to deal with new things and my creativity suffers. Every little thing that I need to do feels like it has an anvil attached to it.

My husband has been having a hard time understanding this lately. It bothered me until he explained it. He mentioned that it was like I’m a lion, and I’m letting a mosquito bring me down.

And that makes so much sense. Why am I letting all these little things bother me if I am this majestic, strong, huntress that can decimate everything in her path?

Because mosquito bites can be maddening if there are enough of them. If the lion is weak from fighting all.the.time – then one more bite can do her in.

Weak people get a lot of attention, a lot of help. Which is good, because they genuinely need it. Strong people get a pat on the back (at most) and a “you’ll be fine.” because we are a mythical creature who people truly believe will never break. But we do. When we break it’s usually violent, loud, and volcanic.

Which leads to a lot of confusion – and in my experience, more decimation.

I am at a point in my life where I am looking around me and seriously considering what needs changing. Where can growth be had, what are the things I need to shed in order to be able to relax at the end of the day? What brings me fulfillment vs furthers my anxiety?

The answers to these questions are hard to find. There is no blanket list available, no miracle drug (ok maybe there are but addiction runs rampant in my family so HARD PASS), no boxes to check when at completion I’ll automatically be “living my best life” again.

What I do have is small moments that I can take pleasure in. Small moments and things that make me forget for a millisecond that the hard things in my life have taken residence in my body and are trying very hard to force me as I know myself out.

The first sip of a hot cup of coffee, the sun peeking through the trees, my favorite song playing in the car (seriously, how nice is it that we have the ability now to listen to WHATEVER we want WHENEVER we want and not have to wait to catch the exact moment it came on the radio to then record it to a cassette??? I’m looking at YOU 1990s!). I can close my eyes and imagine sitting on my patio and writing this, instead of at my kitchen table. Soon it will be warm enough to let the fresh spring air envelope me instead of the air in my house, which constantly smells like 3 boys live here no matter how much I clean.

I can’t run away from the hard things. None of us can. We can try, but ultimately it just prolongs the inevitable crash. What we CAN do is focus on what we have control over. Focus on the things that DO bring us joy (and no I am not talking about Kondo style). Focus on the things that we can fill our minds and souls with when we’re deep in the abyss of the hardest things life can throw at us.

I don’t know what this will all look like for me yet, but I’m working on it, and that’s all I can ask of myself. It’s all you can ask of YOU as well.